Mom, can we listen to Highway to HEL....can I say HELL?

We are a family that loves music. All 5 of us are motivated by it, soothed by it and entertained by it. Jason and I own a record store (shameless plug time..... http://www.thevinylcloset.com/) and our kids have a very eclectic musical appriciation.

Currently, the song Jacob wants to hear on heavy rotation is Highway to Hell by AC/DC. I partially blame  his fathers love of AC/DC as well as the movie School of Rock for this. However, if I am being honest, it is more so because the word HELL is repeated OVER AND OVER. He also likes the LMFAO travesty "I'm Sexy and I know it"...and you guessed it, it's NOT because of the beat.

See, Jake is 11 and has taken to pushing the limits of his vocabulary by

finding ways to use, as he calls it "foul language".

Yesterday when we were pressed for time and I informed him that we might not have a chance to go to McDonalds before we go to his brother Christopher's baseball game, Jake exclaimed (while in the dairy aisle of the grocery store mind you) "SHUT THE....(cut to - my head turning around to look at him with such force I am pretty sure I gave myself whiplash) FRONT DOOR"!

There were some teenagers in the aisle near us that found this to be HYSTERICAL....so of course, he repeated it once, twice, FIVE times!!! He loves to test the limits and he loves to test ME.

Regardless of where we are, if he sees the letters ASS in order written on ANYTHING,  be it the packaging of a line of body shapewear (ASSets) or the company that is down the street from us with the word ASSociation in it's title he cannot control his need to point out that it has foul language in it. It is all about getting a reaction from me. 

 I blame myself for this obsession.   

I have what some might call "a colorful way of speaking".  As I stated in a previous Blog, I may be a Mom but that does not mean I am mature. Much to he chagrin of my handsome husband my choice of words can often make an ice road trucker blush. So, I suppose it stands to reason that my son would acquire the same flair for the um....profane.

I TRY and curb myself - I really do. I mean there is nothing worse than when HE corrects me with his very monotone statement "Mom, you should not have said that, you say I'm sorry". I want to point out that I do not actually curse AT him (well not all the time anyway) those words usually slip out when I am doing something else like cooking, cleaning, watching TV or breathing.

I guess as long as he limits his choice of words to the times of the day when his meds are wearing off and he KNOWS that he should not use them than I am not really THAT bad of a mom. Right bitches?

     

I guess I should be ashamed, but he's so freakin funny sometimes.....

"Hey there my sexy people" is not what most people would expect to hear coming from the lips of an 11 year old autistic child as he walks into his psychologists waiting room prior to his therapy appointment....but then when dealing with Jake, nothing is ever as it is expected.

Jake has swag. Jake has charm. Jake has charisma. Jake is a pain in the ass. 



  Jacob has mastered the art of inadvertently causing me embarrassment in very public forums. NOT because of his Autism or his ADHD - although there was the time in the grocery store where he dropped a jar of pickles and then ran off like his ass was on fire and hid from his older sister Teressa and I inside the rack of grocery carts.... but that is a story for another day.  No no, the embarrassment he causes me is a result of way too many people telling his he is cute.

Look, I get it HE IS CUTE....but he also knows it.

When he knows I am upset with him he will gaze lovingly into my eyes and proclaim in a very breathy voice "I love you mommy, look at me lovin' on you" while kissing my hand. He plays the game with anyone that has a vagina. My female friends and family members fall under his spell. His sister and I however are IMMUNE. We are not drinking his damn kool-aid! 

He has been known to request his former Occupational Therapists to remove their pony tail so that he can play with their hair. He has asked many a female senior citizen out for Dairy Queen - and told them that THEY will need to pay for him. At a baseball game once he left with raffle tickets and a $20 bill from one of his female "fans". He has convinced himself that his brother and his former girlfriend broke up because she liked him better and he plans to find his way to California to marry Miranda Cosgrove (from ICarly). Most recently during a routine trip to the dentist for a tooth cleaning he pulled out all the stops and invited the dental hygienist to McDonalds. His exact words? "Hey, my mom is taking me to McDonalds when we leave here if I do a good job, how about you come with me"? Look out Donald Draper.....

There is, simply put, NO SHAME IN HIS GAME.

    

HELP, my son is stuck on REPEAT!!!

Walk into my home, our record store, his classroom or  ANYWHERE that my son might be and you will without question hear the following OVER AND OVER AND OVER:

• Is (fill in the blank) OLD or NEW
• How come Chris (his big brother and occasional hero but more often nemesis) can watch the family guy and I can't?
• Can I watch rated R movies?
• Should I be watching (fill fill in the blank of ANY preschool themed program) or is that show for babies?
• Can I say curse words? How come you and daddy can say curse words?
• Is saying (fill in the blank again) inappropriate? 
• Why do I have to keep my penis private? Can I show people my boobies?

He will then without fail dictate to you what the answer he wants you to give should be. Is this uncommon with kids on the spectrum (Autism Spectrum for those that are not "in the know")? Nope it's not uncommon at all. Is it annoying? OH HELLS YES. Like nails on a chalkboard or Renee from Mob Wives constant crying type of annoying.

My poor husband is greeted DAILY - sometimes before he is even fully in the door with : "Hi Dad, is Blues Clues new or OLD, you say it's old". Like the champ my groom is, he always plays into Jake's hands and follows his youngest sons script.

Me? Not so much. I am without fail BAD COP in my house. This goes for all 3 of our kids actually. My husband is not a yeller -unless it pertains to grown men in tight fitting pants playing with balls in a sporting activity he happens to be watching, or if he sees a spider. I on the other hand yell as though I am trying to medal in the olympics. I blame my father. I learned it from him.

Yelling, to me, signals a persons lack of tolerance for bullshit or backtalk. When I yell at my kids it is because I have already exhausted myself with calm requests. When I yell, I get results...and eye rolls and the occasional name called under their breath.....but I still get my result.

That said, when Jake peppers me with endless repetitive questions and requested answers I do not give in. It infuriates him, but I don't care. Frankly, his endless repertoire of words NONSTOP from the moment he wakes until the moment he crashes at night (often mid sentence) tends to infuriate ME, so pissing HIM off just seems fair.

Just because I am a mother does not mean I am mature.

Back to the boy, parrots have got NOTHING on my sweet prince. He talks - 98% of the time he is awake and of that time he will often be repeating verbatim things that he has heard in school (which helps me gain more knowledge about what goes on in his classroom, or the bus (which deserves its OWN blog) or from TV.  THEN there are the things that he hears around our house.....be it from his older siblings, his father or maybe even ME (of course it's always obvious when it is something that he has heard come from the cess pool of a mouth I have). 

As wrong as it may be, I always find joy when his sarcasm is used in proper context. THAT friends is how I know I am teaching him well. Now if only he could tie his own shoes and wash his own ass.....

   

Small victories in raising Jake

Every day it's something with Jakey. It's not always bad, but it is always something.

Today, might be the FIRST time since school began in September that I have gotten a call from one of Jake's teachers who was PRAISING his behavior rather than making me feel as though I should have had my uterus ripped out prior to his conception. 

I will admit it, Jake is a handful. Actually...make that TWO handfuls. Firstly he has Autism & ADHD and secondly, he is MY offspring which makes him stubborn, loud, aggressive and often unintentionally funny. His observations on life have been amusing the people I share them with for a while now.

Back to my point....typically my contact with his teachers from school will result in removal of his privileges (no computer time, no Ipod, no movie watching etc.) and a long discussion about his poor choices that day in school. 

Today, however his gym teacher called me (I know what you are thinking....you are THIS excited over a call from his GYM teacher, YOU my lady are pathetic). That may be partially true but hell, I'll take it! It seems that his gym teacher might have cracked the "Jake case" and is not  susceptible to his overwhelming amount of charm and wit. 

She put her foot down with him. Gave him just enough attention to keep him interested in her class but not too much attention that he was in charge. PURE GENIUS! He stayed on task for 70 of the 80 minutes of the class which in Jake time is an eternity! I called him to offer my praise and he was stunned. We have been waiting 7 months for a good report from school and it came today. 

Now if he does not set the house on fire or flash the neighbors  we will have had a banner day!