Mom why is your face so red?

I'm going to just bottom line this whole blog for you. Jake was born to have his own show. The things that he says, the comments he makes, his lack of filter....all make him the kind of character that screenwriters dream of.

He is relentless in his craving of attention. You would think he was never shown any by the way he insinuates himself into the conversations of EVERYONE around him and simply monopolizes the dialog to turn it into something that only HE cares about. Uh-Oh...is that his Autism showing again?

Affection, attention and all out adoration are things that this child has never been short on. Between the constant nagging him for kisses and hugs that he gets from his sister and I and his grandmother following him around like a puppy doing whatever he asks (or at times demands....cause he's got it like that with her) he does NOT lack for a showing of love.

A few weeks ago he came with me to the nail salon.  While I am getting a pedi he made "friends" with the elderly African American lady sitting next to him waiting for her daughter. He taught her all about his Ipod touch and showed her several "clips" of some of his favorite shows. She was very generous and listened to him patiently and basically gave him free reign over the topics they discussed. The whole time this was happening I was  WAITING for the bombs to start to drop. See, it NEVER fails that at SOME point during a seamlessly nice discussion with a stranger Jake will say something that is SO inappropriate I wonder how Child Protection Services has never been called on us.

However, on this day, Jake was being a perfect gentleman and I think to myself that we might actually escape embarrassment today. Ummm, Yeah right.....the very kind older lady got up to leave with her daughter and Jake yells (because he only has ONE volume and that is LOUD) "see ya later old looking Oprah".

I of course flush 50 shades of RED and begin yelling at him through my gritted teeth (you know, that thing that ALL mothers have mastered) while HE is OBLIVIOUS to what he has said and the lady,her daughter, & the rest of the salon patrons/employees have a good hearty chuckle.

The Vietnamese nail girls all start chatting with one another in their native tongue and he strikes again with "Mom, why are they all speaking jibberish and not American" at this point I am making a mental note to myself to purchase the Rosetta Stone system to learn Vietnamese so I can tell if they are talking about me and now, my kid. He caps off the day as we are leaving by asking one of them if they know Ni-hao Ki-Lan....THANKS NICKELODEN!

A few Saturday's ago...Jacob came rushing into the kitchen to tell his dad and I about a movie he watched on TV called "Wizard of Cocks". Jason, my mother and I all exchange very alarmed glances and my brain starts racing and finally hilarity ensues...

Jason - WHAT is the name of the movie?

Jake -  Wizard of Cocks

Jason - Say the last word again

Jake - Wizard

Jason - No the LAST word, are you saying COCKS - spelled C-O-C-K-S?

Jake - YES (growing frustrated at how dense his parents clearly are)

ME - WHAT THE HELL CHANNEL DID YOU HAVE ON? (sidebar....before you lecture me about parental controls, I have them in place....but he keeps figuring out my password
and resets it!)

Jake - FX

Me - (thinking internally)....FX shows PORN now?

Me - who was in it?

Jake - The guy from Ricky Bobby (Talledega nights)

Then the lightbulb goes off for the three adults in the room.....

My Mom - Jakey honey, do you mean DEWEY COX?

Jake - Yeah, Dewey Cox.

YUP....try as you might you just can't make this shit up.