Mom why is your face so red?

I'm going to just bottom line this whole blog for you. Jake was born to have his own show. The things that he says, the comments he makes, his lack of filter....all make him the kind of character that screenwriters dream of.

He is relentless in his craving of attention. You would think he was never shown any by the way he insinuates himself into the conversations of EVERYONE around him and simply monopolizes the dialog to turn it into something that only HE cares about. Uh-Oh...is that his Autism showing again?

Affection, attention and all out adoration are things that this child has never been short on. Between the constant nagging him for kisses and hugs that he gets from his sister and I and his grandmother following him around like a puppy doing whatever he asks (or at times demands....cause he's got it like that with her) he does NOT lack for a showing of love.

A few weeks ago he came with me to the nail salon.  While I am getting a pedi he made "friends" with the elderly African American lady sitting next to him waiting for her daughter. He taught her all about his Ipod touch and showed her several "clips" of some of his favorite shows. She was very generous and listened to him patiently and basically gave him free reign over the topics they discussed. The whole time this was happening I was  WAITING for the bombs to start to drop. See, it NEVER fails that at SOME point during a seamlessly nice discussion with a stranger Jake will say something that is SO inappropriate I wonder how Child Protection Services has never been called on us.

However, on this day, Jake was being a perfect gentleman and I think to myself that we might actually escape embarrassment today. Ummm, Yeah right.....the very kind older lady got up to leave with her daughter and Jake yells (because he only has ONE volume and that is LOUD) "see ya later old looking Oprah".

I of course flush 50 shades of RED and begin yelling at him through my gritted teeth (you know, that thing that ALL mothers have mastered) while HE is OBLIVIOUS to what he has said and the lady,her daughter, & the rest of the salon patrons/employees have a good hearty chuckle.

The Vietnamese nail girls all start chatting with one another in their native tongue and he strikes again with "Mom, why are they all speaking jibberish and not American" at this point I am making a mental note to myself to purchase the Rosetta Stone system to learn Vietnamese so I can tell if they are talking about me and now, my kid. He caps off the day as we are leaving by asking one of them if they know Ni-hao Ki-Lan....THANKS NICKELODEN!

A few Saturday's ago...Jacob came rushing into the kitchen to tell his dad and I about a movie he watched on TV called "Wizard of Cocks". Jason, my mother and I all exchange very alarmed glances and my brain starts racing and finally hilarity ensues...

Jason - WHAT is the name of the movie?

Jake -  Wizard of Cocks

Jason - Say the last word again

Jake - Wizard

Jason - No the LAST word, are you saying COCKS - spelled C-O-C-K-S?

Jake - YES (growing frustrated at how dense his parents clearly are)

ME - WHAT THE HELL CHANNEL DID YOU HAVE ON? (sidebar....before you lecture me about parental controls, I have them in place....but he keeps figuring out my password
and resets it!)

Jake - FX

Me - (thinking internally)....FX shows PORN now?

Me - who was in it?

Jake - The guy from Ricky Bobby (Talledega nights)

Then the lightbulb goes off for the three adults in the room.....

My Mom - Jakey honey, do you mean DEWEY COX?

Jake - Yeah, Dewey Cox.

YUP....try as you might you just can't make this shit up.








    

Praise, Punish and Repeat.

Jake just cannot seem to help himself.

If he is having a day where his behavior has not caused anyone around them a nervous breakdown we call it a success. We tend to shower him with the type of praise typically reserved for an olympic gold medalist. We use words like Proud, Happy and Thank you.

Then without fail and without missing a beat he will do SOMETHING to counteract the positive affirmations he is being showered with. It's as if he just cannot handle NOT being in the doghouse.

He is a tattle tale but 90% of the time he is telling on himeself.

The other 10% he is tattling on his brother...or on me.

He will put on ON DEMAND and select a show that he KNOWS he is not permitted to watch (typically anything that Seth McFarlane has created) and  then he will bellow from the next room "Mom, what am I watching"?? He calls me every day when he gets home from school to check in and he says "Mom, am I in big trouble"? He rummages through my makeup, jewelry or hair products and comes to me saying "Mom, what was I just doing in your room with your girl stuff". He will draw a picture and beckon from the kitchen "Mom, can I write the word PENIS all over this paper and hang it on the fridge?"

Sometimes he even decides his OWN punishment......"Mom I made a bad choice,

so I am grounded for a  whole week".   

He has an obsession with the bedrooms of his siblings. FINALLY we have gotten wise to him and begun locking those doors. A few weeks back, Christopher left the house and did not lock his bedroom door....Jake's nosey ass sashayed in and took Chris's collection of Simpsons DVD's. It was going to be  few days until Chris returned so I told Jake he could watch them as long as he was careful with them AND that he put them back in his brothers room before he got home. Oh and I also told him NOT to mention it to Chris. (and the award for Mother of the year goes to.....) Cut to the day Chris comes back home. Jake greets him at the front door chomping at the bit and the following ensued.

Jacob - "Chris was I in your room this week?" 

Chris - "You better not have been"

Jake - "I was but it's your fault cause you didn't lock your door"

Chris - "THAT is not a good reason Jake"
Jake - "what was I doing in there  do you think?"

Chris - "touching my movies"

Jake - "is it ok for me to do that"?

Chris - "NO"! "I have told you a 100 times to stay out of my room and not to touch my stuff"   

Jake - "Well, it's Mommys fault then. She said I could watch your dvd's if

I put them back and didn't tell you"

Chris - (burning a hole through the back of my skull with his look of disgust and anger)

 "UGH, WHATEVER"

Me - "I don't know if I should compliment you for being honest

with your brother or ground you for throwing me under the bus"

Jake - "That's just how I roll mom".



Jake, incognito after getting in trouble one Saturday morning. He was told to stay
 on the couch and not move until I decided what his punishment would be.

By his estimation, if he is in Camo jammies, sunglasses and a hat he can
"get off the couch and wander the house without being detected"

My boy is a GENIUS.