Praise, Punish and Repeat.

Jake just cannot seem to help himself.

If he is having a day where his behavior has not caused anyone around them a nervous breakdown we call it a success. We tend to shower him with the type of praise typically reserved for an olympic gold medalist. We use words like Proud, Happy and Thank you.

Then without fail and without missing a beat he will do SOMETHING to counteract the positive affirmations he is being showered with. It's as if he just cannot handle NOT being in the doghouse.

He is a tattle tale but 90% of the time he is telling on himeself.

The other 10% he is tattling on his brother...or on me.

He will put on ON DEMAND and select a show that he KNOWS he is not permitted to watch (typically anything that Seth McFarlane has created) and  then he will bellow from the next room "Mom, what am I watching"?? He calls me every day when he gets home from school to check in and he says "Mom, am I in big trouble"? He rummages through my makeup, jewelry or hair products and comes to me saying "Mom, what was I just doing in your room with your girl stuff". He will draw a picture and beckon from the kitchen "Mom, can I write the word PENIS all over this paper and hang it on the fridge?"

Sometimes he even decides his OWN punishment......"Mom I made a bad choice,

so I am grounded for a  whole week".   

He has an obsession with the bedrooms of his siblings. FINALLY we have gotten wise to him and begun locking those doors. A few weeks back, Christopher left the house and did not lock his bedroom door....Jake's nosey ass sashayed in and took Chris's collection of Simpsons DVD's. It was going to be  few days until Chris returned so I told Jake he could watch them as long as he was careful with them AND that he put them back in his brothers room before he got home. Oh and I also told him NOT to mention it to Chris. (and the award for Mother of the year goes to.....) Cut to the day Chris comes back home. Jake greets him at the front door chomping at the bit and the following ensued.

Jacob - "Chris was I in your room this week?" 

Chris - "You better not have been"

Jake - "I was but it's your fault cause you didn't lock your door"

Chris - "THAT is not a good reason Jake"
Jake - "what was I doing in there  do you think?"

Chris - "touching my movies"

Jake - "is it ok for me to do that"?

Chris - "NO"! "I have told you a 100 times to stay out of my room and not to touch my stuff"   

Jake - "Well, it's Mommys fault then. She said I could watch your dvd's if

I put them back and didn't tell you"

Chris - (burning a hole through the back of my skull with his look of disgust and anger)

 "UGH, WHATEVER"

Me - "I don't know if I should compliment you for being honest

with your brother or ground you for throwing me under the bus"

Jake - "That's just how I roll mom".



Jake, incognito after getting in trouble one Saturday morning. He was told to stay
 on the couch and not move until I decided what his punishment would be.

By his estimation, if he is in Camo jammies, sunglasses and a hat he can
"get off the couch and wander the house without being detected"

My boy is a GENIUS.



Laughing will only encourage him you know....

We are sitting in his weekly therapy appointment and Jake is asked to tell us a story.....he starts out with "one upon a time" and then continues to tell the tale of a "monster" that is sooooo angry he is shaking. His therapist looks at me and says "It sounds to me like he is referring to himself here".

I listen intently to his tale hoping to catch some small glimmer of what is going on inside his anxiety riddled mind when he says "then the monster goes home meets a really nice girl and has some really nice sex".  My first reaction was of course to turn my head away and stifle my laughter. My second was to make a mental note to myself...."no more listening to Bruno Mars songs in the car"

He is in 5th grade and in health class this period they are discussing puberty. Jake knows all of the proper terminology for his private parts. However, because I am so immature I will often refer to them using more adolescent names like "junk, giblets, doo-hickey, boy business, berries". He prefers the proper term of penis and testicles. Now, thanks to his health class he also refers to them as his "sex organs" EVERYWHERE WE GO.

The name of this BLOG is "am I being inappropriate" and the reason behind this name is that on any given day, at any given time if you are around my son, you will hear him ask this question. 

 80% of the time, he IS being inappropriate.  

There was the time in a restaurant when he turned to the African American family that was seated behind us and asked them if they were the people on "Everybody hates Chris". Then there was the time he complimented our waitress on her earrings and said "You sure are hot". How about the time in elementary school when he announced to his teacher, para and fellow students that his mommy and daddy ALWAYS have beer parties.

One of my favorite cringe worthy moments with him occurred when he was practicing for his First Holy Communion. His CCD teacher and the priest gave us a bag of unconsecrated hosts to practice with. Jake then says to our priest, "can you tell me why I want Jesus in my body anyway, I mean is there even enough room in there for both of us"? Following his First Confession when the priest raised up his hand to offer a blessing over him.....Jake high fived him. Something tells me that the priest did not see the humor in this that we did.....


Jacob, after he decided to buckle himself into a high chair....exclaimed "Mom, this chair is squishing my testes. Please help save them!"



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Does he eat anything other than Pancakes and French Fries?

 YES. He also eats White Bread.

Since the day he came out of my oven he has had feeding issues. After a bad start with nursing him we went the formula route. We tried no less than 5 different types and had to add rice cereal and zantac to his bottle before his digestive problems seemed to ease up. He could puke on you from across the room and I still have nightmares about his middle of the night diaper blowouts.

We had a reprieve when we started jarred baby food. He seemed to like everything he tried. This was until we advanced to the STAGE 3 version then all bets were off. At first we thought it was the texture and the consistency of the stage 3 jarred food but then it became clear to us that the problem was bigger than that.

He gave up his bottle at age 13 months with no issue. Oddly enough, he also decided at that age that he would never again be compliant with what I wanted him to eat, think, say, do etc.

Things were a little easier during the toddler years. He started to enjoy the Gerber Graduates options that were available -Meat Sticks (side note.... these things happen to smell like ass and look like tiny peckers), Chicken Ravioli, Mac and cheese with broccoli - this went on for a while and then one day, out of the blue he simply refused to eat them.

Over the years Jake has gone through many "food phases". Hot dogs (no condiments) and NOT on a bun, scrambled eggs, chicken nuggets, French Fries, Peach yogurt, Cheese off of  pizza (NEVER the actual pizza or crust) Sausage links, pancakes and of course, the constant....WHITE BREAD.

It is important to note that Jacob is also "PRODUCT SPECIFIC" and if you try and trick him YOU WILL FAIL. Trust me.....he is like YODA with this shit.

His bread MUST be Strohman KING (in an emergency he WILL eat Maiers Italian but he's gotta be really hungry), His pancakes are Aunt Jamima Mini's (and the off label brand stuck in the Aunt Jamima box will NOT be tolerated), he is flexible with his fries....but they cannot be coated or well done and the only beverage he will drink is Lemonade (Turkey Hill or Swiss ONLY). THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

Jake has only tried ice cream 3 times. He has NEVER eaten a potato chip and would rather be attacked by a pack of wolves than eat spaghetti and meatballs. As a dego mother you can imagine how much THAT stings. Knowing that my son has been on this earth for 11 1/2 years  and has NEVER dipped his white bread into my sauce on a Sunday breaks my heart.

Along with his "food phases" came the side effects of his diet. One summer  he was on a Green Gatorade (Lemon Lime) kick which he would only consume out of a small white Styrofoam cup. He actually had a stain over his top lip from the dye in the drink. He started kindergarten with a green moustache. Then, there was the Bob Evans Sausage Links period. He was a walking grease slick. Everything he touched was covered in sausage grease...the remote, his face, the table, THE DOGS.

As of today, Jacob's list of foods is down to a mere 3 things. WHITE BREAD, FRENCH FRIES and PANCAKES (dry, no butter or syrup) and the ONLY beverage he will drink is lemonade. Don't bother asking me about any other foods as the answer is NO. His most current issue is that he refuses to eat in front of people that do not live in our house. If you come to visit and it is around 7pm....watch out. he will grab your coat and hat and try to show you to the door so he can eat.

I wish I knew WHY he does these things.

His teeth are very strong and healthy, he takes a multi vitamin daily and while he is thin, he is in the 50th % for his age according to his Dr. I hope and pray that one day he moves past this.....otherwise regardless of how freaking charming he is NO chick will EVER want to go out to dinner with him. I mean he can't be a grown man and still eating MINI pancakes can he? Damn you Aunt Jamima!