Hurricane Sandy aint got nothing on Jake....

There is no doubt that these past few days have been disturbing for millions of people up and down the North East. Death and unreal distruction the likes that we have never seen in our neck of the woods. Our home has been without power / heat for just shy of 48 hours and our basement is flooded.

Many would say we got lucky. The weakened trees all along our property line did not crash into our home, our cars or onto the roadway or our neighbors property and no one in my life suffered any injuries. So YES, those people would be correct - but those "many" do not know JACOB.

Change of even the smallest form can turn him on his ear making the rest of us collateral damage. Needless to say, having no power, heat, Internet connection or normal routine this week has caused living with Jake to be it's very own special "state of emergency". I am considering asking the Governor to declare his behavior a disaster!

First starts the anxiety - legs shaking, chewing on his cuticles. Then comes the NONSTOP questions "ïs there going to be a hurricane NEXT week too?, "How much longer will the power be out", "can you tell PECO I need an Internet connection"? Then comes the crazed actions of running around the house snorting and shouting. It's all very exhausting, stressful and yes, annoying.

We re lo to hotel and while most children would be excited - he was nervous. " What about the doggies mom, they will miss us" (very true even though they have been checked on 3 times in 24 hours), "I can't take a shower in that hotel mom, the water will feel different", "what if the power comes back on while we are at the hotel, will PECO turn it off and give it to another family that is home".

These questions have been rapid fire with no end in sight. I have lost my patience with him more times than usual and I am surprised I still have a voice to use to yell at him. 

Today, I picked him up from school (they closed early due to no power) and brought him back to work with me. During the few hours he was there he was exhibiting more of the same behaviors. At one point my VP walked into my office to say hello to him and he proceeded to say "we are staying in a hotel cause we have no electric, but it's ok cause mom said it's not like a whorehouse type of joint". THEN he strikes up a conversation with the PRESIDENT of my company. He asked Jake "what can't you wait for about being back in your house when the power is restored"? Without skipping a beat Jake says "not sleeping in a bed with my mom, she takes up too much room and I think she tooted in her sleep last night".

My patience, ego, nerves and sense of humor have all taken a beating this week - and it was a result of HURRICANE JACOB, not Sandy.

Jake - our own personal National Disaster

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Please Keep Your Arms and Legs Inside the Ride at All Times

Starting school can be a bumpy journey for any child. Many kids in our area have already started back to school. Our middle son started his Sophomore year of high school last week and our daughter began her Sr. year of college just this morning.

Externally, I have been enjoying looking at the pictures my friends and family have posted of their offspring heading off for another school year. Internally I have agita and anxiety over Jacob's entrance into 6th grade and I am not alone in this fear.

Jake is nervous. Jake is acting out. Jake is scared.

 

Over the weekend I started to see the familiar glimmer of anxiety and stress re-appear in my little man's eyes. I was hoping that since he had such an AWESOME summer in terms of his behavior that maybe we were turning the corner. Sadly, I was wrong.

 

We shopped for school supplies on Friday and getting him to commit to a folder and binder was like pulling teeth. It was as if a light bulb went off and he realized that he HAD to go back to school. He started talking about how he is sad that summer is almost over and that he "did not swim enough". Mind you, he refused to get in the pool more than three times all summer so I am not sure what that was all about.

 

When Jake gets anxious he acts out. He speaks at a frenetic pace and he often appears to be out of breath. He chews on his fingers and bites his cuticles raw. He pushes more boundaries than normal and he sleeps even less.

 

We suffered through 5th grade and are lucky we made it out alive.

 

We simply cannot survive another year like last.  He struggled with the transition into middle school, with new faces, new people and with his new teacher. They were not a good fit for one another to say the very least but that is another blog for another day....Anyway,  

 

Saturday afternoon I took Jake on a date along with my mother to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid - Dog Days. In the film the main character Greg finds himself in alot of hot water. There is one scene in particular when Greg causes tons of drama and his father comes to get him. The dad does not yell at him, he does not spank him - he just tells Greg that he is disappointed in him. During the film Jake kept asking me if Greg was going to get grounded like he does from time to time, I said I guess not - sometimes knowing that your actions disappointed your parents is worse than any other punishment you could receive.

 

 Cut to Sunday morning, I am on the phone with my sister in law and I look out the window to see the police approaching my house. I end the call and run down the steps. I first spot Jake "hiding" under the covers telling to the cops through the window "You can leave now".....

 

I open the door and I am told that ONCE AGAIN, my son called 911 and hung up. The township police know that Jake is Autistic but they do have to report whenever there is a call/hangup. They were gracious to me and I could see that they understood. I made Jake come to the door and apologize to the officers for wasting their time and acknowledge that he KNOWS he should only call 911 in the event of an emergency. He did come to the door and he did apologize but he also ran off shouting "Mommy...are you going to beat me to a pulp when the cops leave"? PERFECT.

 

Once the coppers hit the pike it was time for a good old fashioned ear splitting yell fest. As I was shouting at the top of my lungs things like "WHY would you call 911 again, and Dude SERIOUSLY, you have GOT to STOP this craziness, and THAT'S IT you are grounded it dawned on me that he has experienced these reactions from me for YEARS. He often will bring up when he was 4 years old and stripped naked out front then ran all the way around back and threw all his clothes in the pool - brand new Nike's and all.  "Mom remember when you smacked my naked butt and I cried myself to sleep". Um, YES I do....I cried right next to you because I felt so guilty for smacking your hiney! I never understood what parents meant when they said "it will be worse for me than for you" but in that moment some 7 1/2 years ago, it became crystal clear to me.

 

I decided to stop yelling at him about calling 911 and sat next to him and tried a more calm approach. He did not know how to handle this calmer, gentler mommy. We talked about his actions and he said he was sorry and I said I was sorry for yelling. Then he asked me if I was disappointed in him. I told him I was not disappointed in HIM but I WAS disappointed in his poor decision.

 

Later in the evening as we unwinding I told him he needed to get off of his IPOD and start settling down for bed - he came back with 50 rapid fire questions and I simply said "School will be starting next week and you need to get back on your school night schedule of no computer after 7 and no Ipod after 8. Well..... I could see him starting to spiral off the rails again. He was yelling, pulling all of his movies out of the cases, breaking cups, taking markers out and writing on things that are not to be written on like our DOG. She is so dumb she just stood there and let him draw a line on her fur....

 

I started to loose my cool again but I opted for the approach that worked earlier. I cleared my throat and in a soft voice I asked him to clean up his mess, put away all the markers and lie down because he needed to go to sleep. He became more agitated with me and started jumping on the couch and laughing at me. So....mother of the year that I am, I might have thrown a pillow at him.

 

Yeah, I know I know.... but I was PISSED.

 

Angry mom made her return and she was louder than earlier in the day. I can no longer give him a whack on his butt because he is too fast for me and his stick like legs are lethal weapons and I am not about to get kicked in my face by his manic body so I cornered him on the couch and sat on him. YUP...all 120 pounds of me (SHUUUUUUUT UP) sat on him. He stopped flailing like a fish out of water and I looked him in the eyes and shouted "NOW I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU".

 

Feeling like I had won the battle I went upstairs to my room for some "distance". Then the guilt settled in. I opened up my bedroom door and called down the steps to him, I could hear him crying. I asked him to come up to my room and lay with me. "Are we going to have a talk mommy" he said. "Yes, we are" I told him.

 

I probed him with questions about why he was behaving like this again when he had been so great all summer long. Finally he said the sentence that broke my heart in two and I will NEVER forget for the rest of my life. "I'm afraid when I go to 6th grade I am going to do everything wrong and get in trouble all the time and you will ALWAYS be disappointed in me".

I held him and kissed him and said all the things that mom's do to make their children feel secure. He was feeling legitimately fearful and anxious. As a parent not being able to ease his anxiety about certain things is the hardest challenge of all. Worse than dealing with ADHD outbursts, medicinal struggles or his rigid approach to EVERYTHING thanks to his Autism.

 

Finally when he calmed down and was leaving my room he said "Mom, we should make a deal that I won't disappoint you and you won't disappoint me".  Puzzled I looked over at him as said "How would I disappoint you"? He waitined a moment and then said, "by yelling and screaming at me when I am bad, not letting me curse when I want to and not letting me get a movie when we go to the store all the time". "Well dude, it looks like we are BOTH in for a long road of disappointment in one another then".

And so it begins.....another school year, another 180 days of homework, notes home, phone calls from teachers and the dreaded IEP meetings....I think that if I sucessfully get through the next 6 years until he graduates high school I will be able to take on his college years with no problem. Right?

 

 



We have funny kids.

Teressa (center) is a Sr. at Kutztown University with a double major in
 Elementary Education and Special Education

Christopher is a Sophmore at Ren. Academy and active on the Golf Team,
Baseball and flirting with girls

Jacob is entering 6th grade at East Norriton Middle School
and he is an expert at leaving destruction in his path.

 

 



 

  

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

     

How much is that hiney in the window.....

When I came downstairs this morning I KNEW he was going to be in rare form.

I found him crouched in the ready position as if he was about to run a race atop the coffee table in just his underwear with a t-shirt over his head looking much like Bevis from the MTV classic animated series Bevis and Butthead.

 I said "WHAT are you doing" he looked up at me startled and replied "What are YOU doing?" I opted to simply ignore him and proceeded to the kitchen to make a cup of hot tea for the road.

I heard him barrel up the stairs to no doubt wake his father from blissful slumber. For a child that weighs in at a mere 68.5 pounds he sounds like a herd of buffalo are running through our home.



Classic Jake. Always scrunching his face up when he smiles or laughs and ears for days.....

I carry on with my morning routine and call up the steps "Jakey, I am leaving - Have a good day I love you and BE GOOD for Nan" to which I get no reply. No surprise, he never does what I ask him to do anyway.

I load up my car with my purse, laptop, work papers etc. I settle in for my commute to work and reverse my car out of the driveway and THAT is when I see it....

The curtains in the living room flutter and a little tiny white ass appears.

  I hit the brakes and stare at the window in shock. My inner monologue starts running...."that little bastard just mooned me! OMG, he is so grounded!". Then the laughter starts and I am in tears at the visual of my little boy's pasty skinny rump bidding me adieu.

He quickly pulled up his underpants and looked out the window to make sure I was still watching him. He smiled in the way that only he can....scrunched up face like he is smells something horrid. I waved at him and drove off smiling the whole way to work.

Parents of  disability free children might be ashamed at this type of behavior.  However, "mooning" someone is what a "neuro typical" adolescent boy might do. To see Jake act in a "typical" manner
gives me hope that he is in fact making progress.

I know it may seem odd to many of you and that is fine with me. Jake is OUR cross to bear and sometimes the rules of society simply have to fall by the wayside.

Besides....it really was hysterical.

Mom why is your face so red?

I'm going to just bottom line this whole blog for you. Jake was born to have his own show. The things that he says, the comments he makes, his lack of filter....all make him the kind of character that screenwriters dream of.

He is relentless in his craving of attention. You would think he was never shown any by the way he insinuates himself into the conversations of EVERYONE around him and simply monopolizes the dialog to turn it into something that only HE cares about. Uh-Oh...is that his Autism showing again?

Affection, attention and all out adoration are things that this child has never been short on. Between the constant nagging him for kisses and hugs that he gets from his sister and I and his grandmother following him around like a puppy doing whatever he asks (or at times demands....cause he's got it like that with her) he does NOT lack for a showing of love.

A few weeks ago he came with me to the nail salon.  While I am getting a pedi he made "friends" with the elderly African American lady sitting next to him waiting for her daughter. He taught her all about his Ipod touch and showed her several "clips" of some of his favorite shows. She was very generous and listened to him patiently and basically gave him free reign over the topics they discussed. The whole time this was happening I was  WAITING for the bombs to start to drop. See, it NEVER fails that at SOME point during a seamlessly nice discussion with a stranger Jake will say something that is SO inappropriate I wonder how Child Protection Services has never been called on us.

However, on this day, Jake was being a perfect gentleman and I think to myself that we might actually escape embarrassment today. Ummm, Yeah right.....the very kind older lady got up to leave with her daughter and Jake yells (because he only has ONE volume and that is LOUD) "see ya later old looking Oprah".

I of course flush 50 shades of RED and begin yelling at him through my gritted teeth (you know, that thing that ALL mothers have mastered) while HE is OBLIVIOUS to what he has said and the lady,her daughter, & the rest of the salon patrons/employees have a good hearty chuckle.

The Vietnamese nail girls all start chatting with one another in their native tongue and he strikes again with "Mom, why are they all speaking jibberish and not American" at this point I am making a mental note to myself to purchase the Rosetta Stone system to learn Vietnamese so I can tell if they are talking about me and now, my kid. He caps off the day as we are leaving by asking one of them if they know Ni-hao Ki-Lan....THANKS NICKELODEN!

A few Saturday's ago...Jacob came rushing into the kitchen to tell his dad and I about a movie he watched on TV called "Wizard of Cocks". Jason, my mother and I all exchange very alarmed glances and my brain starts racing and finally hilarity ensues...

Jason - WHAT is the name of the movie?

Jake -  Wizard of Cocks

Jason - Say the last word again

Jake - Wizard

Jason - No the LAST word, are you saying COCKS - spelled C-O-C-K-S?

Jake - YES (growing frustrated at how dense his parents clearly are)

ME - WHAT THE HELL CHANNEL DID YOU HAVE ON? (sidebar....before you lecture me about parental controls, I have them in place....but he keeps figuring out my password
and resets it!)

Jake - FX

Me - (thinking internally)....FX shows PORN now?

Me - who was in it?

Jake - The guy from Ricky Bobby (Talledega nights)

Then the lightbulb goes off for the three adults in the room.....

My Mom - Jakey honey, do you mean DEWEY COX?

Jake - Yeah, Dewey Cox.

YUP....try as you might you just can't make this shit up.








    

Mom, maybe you ought to learn to play the quiet game.....

Our home is loud. Our dogs bark if the wind blows, if someone rings a doorbell on TV, or if I sneeze. Not to mention Jake lacks both any sense of volume control OR off switch. Every room you walk into there is either a television playing, someone on some sort of electronic device that beeps, chimes, rings or talks to you AND our neighbors are less than silent.

Earlier this week I was off of work for the day and I got to put Jake on the bus. I went in to wake him up for school and my allergies were getting the better of me so I had a fierce attack of the sneezes. It begs to be told that I am NOT a dainty gal....and when I sneeze,  shit gets real. My sneezing startled my dear sleeping angelic boy from his golden slumber. He jumped up and put his fingers in his ears.

Now, this is not an uncommon thing for him to do as sound is a very big issue for him - when it comes from a source that is not HIS OWN MOUTH. He will often be seen at a family party, in the lunch room at school, or on the school bus with his fingers in his ears or his head tilted and lowered onto his arched shoulder to muffle the surrounding noise. Sound sensitivity is just a part of being Autistic.

Jake on the school bus en route to his field trip 

So, when I sneezed and he jumped, I laughed. Why you ask? Well, because the look on a persons face when they are startled is a riot AND because I am much like a 12 year old myself. 

I started helping him get ready for school and he started with the barrage of endless questions to my every command....."what happens if I don't brush my teeth, will my teeth fall out and I will look like I am homeless", "Are you SURE that it is illegal to pull down my pants in school", "How come daddy can watch movies with course language", "How much older do I have to be before I can kiss girls on the mouth" This went on and on for no less than 35 minutes while we finished getting him ready and were waiting outside for the bus. While we were sitting there on the porch he started to yawn over and over again. Finally after the 5th time I said "Jake, you are so tired because you fight me every night on going to sleep and you get up in the middle of the night and make pancakes" (the frozen kind people....it's not like he whips up a batter and stands by the stove so relax).

He stared at me and in a very deadpanned tone said "Um, NO MOTHER, I am so tired because I was in the middle of a very good dream about girls and Jack Black and YOU woke me up by sneezing so loud. You always tell me I should learn to play the quiet game but Mom, maybe YOU ought to learn to play it first".

Praise, Punish and Repeat.

Jake just cannot seem to help himself.

If he is having a day where his behavior has not caused anyone around them a nervous breakdown we call it a success. We tend to shower him with the type of praise typically reserved for an olympic gold medalist. We use words like Proud, Happy and Thank you.

Then without fail and without missing a beat he will do SOMETHING to counteract the positive affirmations he is being showered with. It's as if he just cannot handle NOT being in the doghouse.

He is a tattle tale but 90% of the time he is telling on himeself.

The other 10% he is tattling on his brother...or on me.

He will put on ON DEMAND and select a show that he KNOWS he is not permitted to watch (typically anything that Seth McFarlane has created) and  then he will bellow from the next room "Mom, what am I watching"?? He calls me every day when he gets home from school to check in and he says "Mom, am I in big trouble"? He rummages through my makeup, jewelry or hair products and comes to me saying "Mom, what was I just doing in your room with your girl stuff". He will draw a picture and beckon from the kitchen "Mom, can I write the word PENIS all over this paper and hang it on the fridge?"

Sometimes he even decides his OWN punishment......"Mom I made a bad choice,

so I am grounded for a  whole week".   

He has an obsession with the bedrooms of his siblings. FINALLY we have gotten wise to him and begun locking those doors. A few weeks back, Christopher left the house and did not lock his bedroom door....Jake's nosey ass sashayed in and took Chris's collection of Simpsons DVD's. It was going to be  few days until Chris returned so I told Jake he could watch them as long as he was careful with them AND that he put them back in his brothers room before he got home. Oh and I also told him NOT to mention it to Chris. (and the award for Mother of the year goes to.....) Cut to the day Chris comes back home. Jake greets him at the front door chomping at the bit and the following ensued.

Jacob - "Chris was I in your room this week?" 

Chris - "You better not have been"

Jake - "I was but it's your fault cause you didn't lock your door"

Chris - "THAT is not a good reason Jake"
Jake - "what was I doing in there  do you think?"

Chris - "touching my movies"

Jake - "is it ok for me to do that"?

Chris - "NO"! "I have told you a 100 times to stay out of my room and not to touch my stuff"   

Jake - "Well, it's Mommys fault then. She said I could watch your dvd's if

I put them back and didn't tell you"

Chris - (burning a hole through the back of my skull with his look of disgust and anger)

 "UGH, WHATEVER"

Me - "I don't know if I should compliment you for being honest

with your brother or ground you for throwing me under the bus"

Jake - "That's just how I roll mom".



Jake, incognito after getting in trouble one Saturday morning. He was told to stay
 on the couch and not move until I decided what his punishment would be.

By his estimation, if he is in Camo jammies, sunglasses and a hat he can
"get off the couch and wander the house without being detected"

My boy is a GENIUS.



Laughing will only encourage him you know....

We are sitting in his weekly therapy appointment and Jake is asked to tell us a story.....he starts out with "one upon a time" and then continues to tell the tale of a "monster" that is sooooo angry he is shaking. His therapist looks at me and says "It sounds to me like he is referring to himself here".

I listen intently to his tale hoping to catch some small glimmer of what is going on inside his anxiety riddled mind when he says "then the monster goes home meets a really nice girl and has some really nice sex".  My first reaction was of course to turn my head away and stifle my laughter. My second was to make a mental note to myself...."no more listening to Bruno Mars songs in the car"

He is in 5th grade and in health class this period they are discussing puberty. Jake knows all of the proper terminology for his private parts. However, because I am so immature I will often refer to them using more adolescent names like "junk, giblets, doo-hickey, boy business, berries". He prefers the proper term of penis and testicles. Now, thanks to his health class he also refers to them as his "sex organs" EVERYWHERE WE GO.

The name of this BLOG is "am I being inappropriate" and the reason behind this name is that on any given day, at any given time if you are around my son, you will hear him ask this question. 

 80% of the time, he IS being inappropriate.  

There was the time in a restaurant when he turned to the African American family that was seated behind us and asked them if they were the people on "Everybody hates Chris". Then there was the time he complimented our waitress on her earrings and said "You sure are hot". How about the time in elementary school when he announced to his teacher, para and fellow students that his mommy and daddy ALWAYS have beer parties.

One of my favorite cringe worthy moments with him occurred when he was practicing for his First Holy Communion. His CCD teacher and the priest gave us a bag of unconsecrated hosts to practice with. Jake then says to our priest, "can you tell me why I want Jesus in my body anyway, I mean is there even enough room in there for both of us"? Following his First Confession when the priest raised up his hand to offer a blessing over him.....Jake high fived him. Something tells me that the priest did not see the humor in this that we did.....


Jacob, after he decided to buckle himself into a high chair....exclaimed "Mom, this chair is squishing my testes. Please help save them!"



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Does he eat anything other than Pancakes and French Fries?

 YES. He also eats White Bread.

Since the day he came out of my oven he has had feeding issues. After a bad start with nursing him we went the formula route. We tried no less than 5 different types and had to add rice cereal and zantac to his bottle before his digestive problems seemed to ease up. He could puke on you from across the room and I still have nightmares about his middle of the night diaper blowouts.

We had a reprieve when we started jarred baby food. He seemed to like everything he tried. This was until we advanced to the STAGE 3 version then all bets were off. At first we thought it was the texture and the consistency of the stage 3 jarred food but then it became clear to us that the problem was bigger than that.

He gave up his bottle at age 13 months with no issue. Oddly enough, he also decided at that age that he would never again be compliant with what I wanted him to eat, think, say, do etc.

Things were a little easier during the toddler years. He started to enjoy the Gerber Graduates options that were available -Meat Sticks (side note.... these things happen to smell like ass and look like tiny peckers), Chicken Ravioli, Mac and cheese with broccoli - this went on for a while and then one day, out of the blue he simply refused to eat them.

Over the years Jake has gone through many "food phases". Hot dogs (no condiments) and NOT on a bun, scrambled eggs, chicken nuggets, French Fries, Peach yogurt, Cheese off of  pizza (NEVER the actual pizza or crust) Sausage links, pancakes and of course, the constant....WHITE BREAD.

It is important to note that Jacob is also "PRODUCT SPECIFIC" and if you try and trick him YOU WILL FAIL. Trust me.....he is like YODA with this shit.

His bread MUST be Strohman KING (in an emergency he WILL eat Maiers Italian but he's gotta be really hungry), His pancakes are Aunt Jamima Mini's (and the off label brand stuck in the Aunt Jamima box will NOT be tolerated), he is flexible with his fries....but they cannot be coated or well done and the only beverage he will drink is Lemonade (Turkey Hill or Swiss ONLY). THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

Jake has only tried ice cream 3 times. He has NEVER eaten a potato chip and would rather be attacked by a pack of wolves than eat spaghetti and meatballs. As a dego mother you can imagine how much THAT stings. Knowing that my son has been on this earth for 11 1/2 years  and has NEVER dipped his white bread into my sauce on a Sunday breaks my heart.

Along with his "food phases" came the side effects of his diet. One summer  he was on a Green Gatorade (Lemon Lime) kick which he would only consume out of a small white Styrofoam cup. He actually had a stain over his top lip from the dye in the drink. He started kindergarten with a green moustache. Then, there was the Bob Evans Sausage Links period. He was a walking grease slick. Everything he touched was covered in sausage grease...the remote, his face, the table, THE DOGS.

As of today, Jacob's list of foods is down to a mere 3 things. WHITE BREAD, FRENCH FRIES and PANCAKES (dry, no butter or syrup) and the ONLY beverage he will drink is lemonade. Don't bother asking me about any other foods as the answer is NO. His most current issue is that he refuses to eat in front of people that do not live in our house. If you come to visit and it is around 7pm....watch out. he will grab your coat and hat and try to show you to the door so he can eat.

I wish I knew WHY he does these things.

His teeth are very strong and healthy, he takes a multi vitamin daily and while he is thin, he is in the 50th % for his age according to his Dr. I hope and pray that one day he moves past this.....otherwise regardless of how freaking charming he is NO chick will EVER want to go out to dinner with him. I mean he can't be a grown man and still eating MINI pancakes can he? Damn you Aunt Jamima!  

  

Mom, can we listen to Highway to HEL....can I say HELL?

We are a family that loves music. All 5 of us are motivated by it, soothed by it and entertained by it. Jason and I own a record store (shameless plug time..... http://www.thevinylcloset.com/) and our kids have a very eclectic musical appriciation.

Currently, the song Jacob wants to hear on heavy rotation is Highway to Hell by AC/DC. I partially blame  his fathers love of AC/DC as well as the movie School of Rock for this. However, if I am being honest, it is more so because the word HELL is repeated OVER AND OVER. He also likes the LMFAO travesty "I'm Sexy and I know it"...and you guessed it, it's NOT because of the beat.

See, Jake is 11 and has taken to pushing the limits of his vocabulary by

finding ways to use, as he calls it "foul language".

Yesterday when we were pressed for time and I informed him that we might not have a chance to go to McDonalds before we go to his brother Christopher's baseball game, Jake exclaimed (while in the dairy aisle of the grocery store mind you) "SHUT THE....(cut to - my head turning around to look at him with such force I am pretty sure I gave myself whiplash) FRONT DOOR"!

There were some teenagers in the aisle near us that found this to be HYSTERICAL....so of course, he repeated it once, twice, FIVE times!!! He loves to test the limits and he loves to test ME.

Regardless of where we are, if he sees the letters ASS in order written on ANYTHING,  be it the packaging of a line of body shapewear (ASSets) or the company that is down the street from us with the word ASSociation in it's title he cannot control his need to point out that it has foul language in it. It is all about getting a reaction from me. 

 I blame myself for this obsession.   

I have what some might call "a colorful way of speaking".  As I stated in a previous Blog, I may be a Mom but that does not mean I am mature. Much to he chagrin of my handsome husband my choice of words can often make an ice road trucker blush. So, I suppose it stands to reason that my son would acquire the same flair for the um....profane.

I TRY and curb myself - I really do. I mean there is nothing worse than when HE corrects me with his very monotone statement "Mom, you should not have said that, you say I'm sorry". I want to point out that I do not actually curse AT him (well not all the time anyway) those words usually slip out when I am doing something else like cooking, cleaning, watching TV or breathing.

I guess as long as he limits his choice of words to the times of the day when his meds are wearing off and he KNOWS that he should not use them than I am not really THAT bad of a mom. Right bitches?

     

I guess I should be ashamed, but he's so freakin funny sometimes.....

"Hey there my sexy people" is not what most people would expect to hear coming from the lips of an 11 year old autistic child as he walks into his psychologists waiting room prior to his therapy appointment....but then when dealing with Jake, nothing is ever as it is expected.

Jake has swag. Jake has charm. Jake has charisma. Jake is a pain in the ass. 



  Jacob has mastered the art of inadvertently causing me embarrassment in very public forums. NOT because of his Autism or his ADHD - although there was the time in the grocery store where he dropped a jar of pickles and then ran off like his ass was on fire and hid from his older sister Teressa and I inside the rack of grocery carts.... but that is a story for another day.  No no, the embarrassment he causes me is a result of way too many people telling his he is cute.

Look, I get it HE IS CUTE....but he also knows it.

When he knows I am upset with him he will gaze lovingly into my eyes and proclaim in a very breathy voice "I love you mommy, look at me lovin' on you" while kissing my hand. He plays the game with anyone that has a vagina. My female friends and family members fall under his spell. His sister and I however are IMMUNE. We are not drinking his damn kool-aid! 

He has been known to request his former Occupational Therapists to remove their pony tail so that he can play with their hair. He has asked many a female senior citizen out for Dairy Queen - and told them that THEY will need to pay for him. At a baseball game once he left with raffle tickets and a $20 bill from one of his female "fans". He has convinced himself that his brother and his former girlfriend broke up because she liked him better and he plans to find his way to California to marry Miranda Cosgrove (from ICarly). Most recently during a routine trip to the dentist for a tooth cleaning he pulled out all the stops and invited the dental hygienist to McDonalds. His exact words? "Hey, my mom is taking me to McDonalds when we leave here if I do a good job, how about you come with me"? Look out Donald Draper.....

There is, simply put, NO SHAME IN HIS GAME.

    

HELP, my son is stuck on REPEAT!!!

Walk into my home, our record store, his classroom or  ANYWHERE that my son might be and you will without question hear the following OVER AND OVER AND OVER:

• Is (fill in the blank) OLD or NEW
• How come Chris (his big brother and occasional hero but more often nemesis) can watch the family guy and I can't?
• Can I watch rated R movies?
• Should I be watching (fill fill in the blank of ANY preschool themed program) or is that show for babies?
• Can I say curse words? How come you and daddy can say curse words?
• Is saying (fill in the blank again) inappropriate? 
• Why do I have to keep my penis private? Can I show people my boobies?

He will then without fail dictate to you what the answer he wants you to give should be. Is this uncommon with kids on the spectrum (Autism Spectrum for those that are not "in the know")? Nope it's not uncommon at all. Is it annoying? OH HELLS YES. Like nails on a chalkboard or Renee from Mob Wives constant crying type of annoying.

My poor husband is greeted DAILY - sometimes before he is even fully in the door with : "Hi Dad, is Blues Clues new or OLD, you say it's old". Like the champ my groom is, he always plays into Jake's hands and follows his youngest sons script.

Me? Not so much. I am without fail BAD COP in my house. This goes for all 3 of our kids actually. My husband is not a yeller -unless it pertains to grown men in tight fitting pants playing with balls in a sporting activity he happens to be watching, or if he sees a spider. I on the other hand yell as though I am trying to medal in the olympics. I blame my father. I learned it from him.

Yelling, to me, signals a persons lack of tolerance for bullshit or backtalk. When I yell at my kids it is because I have already exhausted myself with calm requests. When I yell, I get results...and eye rolls and the occasional name called under their breath.....but I still get my result.

That said, when Jake peppers me with endless repetitive questions and requested answers I do not give in. It infuriates him, but I don't care. Frankly, his endless repertoire of words NONSTOP from the moment he wakes until the moment he crashes at night (often mid sentence) tends to infuriate ME, so pissing HIM off just seems fair.

Just because I am a mother does not mean I am mature.

Back to the boy, parrots have got NOTHING on my sweet prince. He talks - 98% of the time he is awake and of that time he will often be repeating verbatim things that he has heard in school (which helps me gain more knowledge about what goes on in his classroom, or the bus (which deserves its OWN blog) or from TV.  THEN there are the things that he hears around our house.....be it from his older siblings, his father or maybe even ME (of course it's always obvious when it is something that he has heard come from the cess pool of a mouth I have). 

As wrong as it may be, I always find joy when his sarcasm is used in proper context. THAT friends is how I know I am teaching him well. Now if only he could tie his own shoes and wash his own ass.....

   

Small victories in raising Jake

Every day it's something with Jakey. It's not always bad, but it is always something.

Today, might be the FIRST time since school began in September that I have gotten a call from one of Jake's teachers who was PRAISING his behavior rather than making me feel as though I should have had my uterus ripped out prior to his conception. 

I will admit it, Jake is a handful. Actually...make that TWO handfuls. Firstly he has Autism & ADHD and secondly, he is MY offspring which makes him stubborn, loud, aggressive and often unintentionally funny. His observations on life have been amusing the people I share them with for a while now.

Back to my point....typically my contact with his teachers from school will result in removal of his privileges (no computer time, no Ipod, no movie watching etc.) and a long discussion about his poor choices that day in school. 

Today, however his gym teacher called me (I know what you are thinking....you are THIS excited over a call from his GYM teacher, YOU my lady are pathetic). That may be partially true but hell, I'll take it! It seems that his gym teacher might have cracked the "Jake case" and is not  susceptible to his overwhelming amount of charm and wit. 

She put her foot down with him. Gave him just enough attention to keep him interested in her class but not too much attention that he was in charge. PURE GENIUS! He stayed on task for 70 of the 80 minutes of the class which in Jake time is an eternity! I called him to offer my praise and he was stunned. We have been waiting 7 months for a good report from school and it came today. 

Now if he does not set the house on fire or flash the neighbors  we will have had a banner day!